


Are You There, God? It's Me, Dracula [The Jonathan Harker Files]

by kowalska



Category: Dracula - Bram Stoker
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-27
Updated: 2012-04-27
Packaged: 2017-11-04 10:28:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/392846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kowalska/pseuds/kowalska
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bram Stoker’s Dracula as told by the vampire himself. He might look human on the outside. He very well might be a monster on the inside. But what is it that makes his cold, dead heart go pitter patter? Lifeless or not, in his heart, Dracula is obsessed with the new boy at school and can’t help himself from drawing hearts in the margins of his diary’s pages.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Are You There, God? It's Me, Dracula [The Jonathan Harker Files]

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my beta oKay!

1st May 1893

  
Dear Diary,  
  
He is coming! He is coming! How the news excites me so! He will be making his way through Germany and Hungary all the way to my castle in Transylvania. This is the most alive I have felt in centuries! I must contain myself though. It would not do for me to frighten him… for if I wish him to stay of his own free will, I must be able to befriend him.  
  
To expel this unexpected emotion, I have made strides to prepare my residence for his arrival. I imagine he will need some sort of sustenance so I have stocked the kitchens. I have also made sure that some of the… more important rooms are fitted with working locks. It has never been necessary before this because my reputation among the locals is a much simpler method of retaining my privacy. However, I am sure my new friend will be curious about his surroundings. I am hoping that the rooms I have readied for his inhabitance will be sufficient enough to assuage his desire to explore… at least for some time. Not only would he find some things that might displease him, but he could also encounter others who would be much less welcoming than I.  
  
-D  
   
  
\-----   
2nd May 1893  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I have been studying my English in anticipation of both his arrival and my departure. I do believe I have mastered the technical aspects, but I am still worried that I will sound strange to him or that I will make an error that renders me a fool. I cannot decide if I am more looking forward to seeing him or talking with him. Although books about England have satiated my yearning for knowledge thus far, I feel have outgrown their usefulness. I can read about history, politics, geography, botany, economics, and geography all I want, but there is no substitute for a face to face interaction with someone who has first-hand experience of living there. I will treasure my library and never regret the time I spent there, but I have spent time enough there. Now I can finally move forward in my adventure.  
  
I sent a letter that should meet him to-morrow in the Carpathians when he goes, as I directed, to the Golden Krone Hotel. It is old-fashioned, as I am, and I hope it will prepare him to reside within my walls for a fair share of time. I will, of course, let him form his own opinion of my home… but I know he will stay. I am certain. However, it cannot hurt to give him a slight introduction to my presumably outdated style of living. My only hope is that the foolish landlord will not attempt to dissuade my friend from completing his journey to me. I should send a letter to the landlord as well to make it clear what I expect from him. He will secure a coach for my friend and not relate to him any of the local superstitions about me. Who or what I am is of little importance to them… unless they cross me…  
  
-D  
   
  
\-----   
4th May 1893  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I can hardly contain myself! To-morrow, to-morrow! I will leave as soon as I rise because, although I have given due warning to the locals that I fully intended on acquiring my guest, they will undoubtedly attempt to convince him to continue on his journey to Bukovina. That will not do, not at all.  
  
I fear my reputation as a man of wealth and good standing will make it a strange sight if I drive the carriage. However, my lack of servants leaves me no choice. Perhaps if I disguise myself, he will not notice. I do believe there is no way to hide myself from those who already know of me… but it will be well enough of a charade for my new friend.  
  
-D  
   
  
\-----   
5th May 1893  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
My friend has arrived at last! Mr. Jonathan Harker is even more wonderful than I could have imagined. There is much to tell, but even more to do! I seem to have kept him up far longer than he had expected. Nor had I expected it. I cannot fault him for being ill prepared for living his life during the nighttime. He must start sometime and there is no day like to-day! It is almost time for my day to end as well but I must arrange for Mr. Harker to survive in my absence.  
  
-D  
   
  
\-----   
6th May 1893  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Mr. Harker is sleeping now so while he rests, I may write! I had some matters to attend to, not to mention needing my rest. I did not want to be hungry in the presence of someone so… wonderful. How awful it would be to prematurely act upon my desires. However, I do not know how much longer I can restrain myself.  
  
When I went to receive Mr. Harker, the damned fools were doing exactly as I had predicted. The driver had intended to continue on with Jonathan Harker to Bukovina; he claimed “the English Herr was in a hurry.” But I told him that I was no fool. I could not be deceived that easily. I must have let some of my true nature show through for one of the passengers whispered “Denn die Todten reiten schnell.” (“For the dead travel fast.”) I could not resist a smile in reply.  
  
When I finally had Mr. Jonathan Harker in my possession, I threw a cloak upon his shoulders and a rug across his knees. I could not feel it, but I knew it was a cold night and would grow yet colder still. He looked so strained and concerned for his well-being. It did not sit right with me… but I have been out of practice in the ways of comfort so all I could do was inform him of my – the Count’s – desire to take care of him and offer him the slivovitz under the seat.  
  
He did not seem to relax at all on the journey. If possible, he seemed to become even more anxious as time went on! The locals most assuredly filled his head with strange tales of the Count in the castle. No bother. Once I deposited him safely at the doors of my home, after reprimanding the children of the night, I hurried to ready myself to meet him as myself. His visage seemed to be permanently radiating a barely contained fear of this new world around him. I tried my best to welcome him courteously. I bade him to enter freely and leave safely. I must admit however, I do not think I may let him leave at all!  
  
Regardless, my façade was pleasant enough that Mr. Harker seemed to relax. He looked delighted by the prospect of a warm supper. I do not think I will let him see that I, alone, reside in this dwelling. Well… mostly alone. Without servant or staff would be a better explanation. But now that Mr. Harker is here, hopefully I can move past my other… guests, mistakes, former, ah how to word it, former interests.  
  
I digress. Once Mr. Jonathan Harker had arrived, he gave me a letter from Mr. Hawkins assuring me that Mr. Harker is a competent man and will be able to attend to my needs. I know he will live up to my expectations. He already has! We had the most wonderful conversation until the early hours before dawn. I made him dinner and he told me about his travels. While we sat next to the fire, I noticed him studying me intently and I must say I was flattered! Unfortunately, as I reached to touch his hand, he appeared to shudder. A slight setback admittedly, but it was rather forward of me so I was not deterred.  
  
We discussed many things but I was most interested in the new estate he and Mr. Hawkins had discovered for me. It sounds almost too perfect to be true! The same can be said about Mr. Jonathan Harker. Ah! I cannot even get through a sentence without thinking of him! The estate is at Purfleet. It is exactly what I wanted! It is old like me, which was very important. I cannot imagine existing in a new structure with all of the strange technologies that this generation enjoys being surrounded by. I need the old, stone walls to surround me or else I just would not feel right. The land is vast and shaded with a church on its grounds.  
  
Around that time, I felt I should probably feed Mr. Harker. How easily I forget to feed him. That will not do! I must remember how often he needs to eat! We continued conversing for hours until I realized that he would probably be getting tired yet again. How bothersome. But I bid him goodnight and have returned to my own room to record everything!  
  
-D  
   
  
\-----   
9th May 1893  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I do not think Mr. Jonathan Harker is settling into his new life the way I had hoped. He seems unsettled and uneasy and I fear it is partially my own fault. But what other choice did I have! I worked so hard to create an environment without any type of distractions that could reveal more about myself than I would like to share. It truly was without any choice that I acted out. I did not believe Mr. Harker would have brought his own personal mirror with him. I assumed he would be acting on the impression that I, too, need to shave. However, as I entered his chamber to say good morning, there it was hanging by the window. I startled him; no doubt he was surprised to have not seen me coming up behind him.  
  
He cut himself. He bled. I could not resist. I was filled with such an overpowering and all-consuming desire for his blood. His heart rate was accelerated with the fear of being startled and as the blood dripped down his chin, I had eyes only for his neck. His augmented pulse called out to me and I answered. Before I could stop myself, my arm was reaching out to try and capture what my body knew I longed for.  
  
Alas, I was stopped. I would be much obliged if it had been my own conscious mind which reminded me that Mr. Harker was not just an object; he was not like the others. No, not like the peasants who no doubt gave him the crucifix which I grazed as my hand began to close around his throat. The pain shot up my arm and I was immediately aware of my actions. It all happened so quickly and the smell of Mr. Jonathan Harker’s blood still hung in the air as if the whole world was trying to force me to reveal my natural instincts. It was all I could do to destroy the shaving mirror and leave without taking his life. I could not even join him for his meals as I normally did for I was afraid of what I would do. I have not lost control like that in a very long time. It was so uncharacteristically… ruthless and animalistic. Visceral, even. I thought I was past that long ago.  
  
… Jonathan brings out another side of myself I had thought long dead…  
  
-D  
   
  
\-----   
10th May 1893  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I had regained control of myself enough to meet with Mr. Harker to-night. He seemed very interested in what I had to say about Transylvania and my past. It was rather difficult to hide the fact that I have been personally involved in much of the history of my homeland. I always seem to lose myself in the stories of the days gone by. I am sure he thought it strange that one would become so excited about events which happened years before their supposed birth. I found it was hard to contain my emotions, though, and I could not resist moving around and revealing more of my enthusiasm and interest than I would have liked.  
  
Mr. Jonathan Harker seemed exceptionally enthralled when I began to speak of the Szekelys personal history. I spoke for what seemed like no time at all but I was soon aware that it was close to morning. I quickly excused myself and returned to my residence to sleep.  
  
-D  
   
  
\-----   
12th May 1893  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
With all of this excitement surrounding Mr. Harker’s arrival, I realized that I have been neglecting business! While I would like to believe that he is here for the pleasure of my company, he is without doubt a professional man. I have had some pressing questions for Mr. Harker so before I left for the night, I inquired about ways to keep my affairs private. I was informed that it is rather common for men to have multiple solicitors which means that there will certainly be less whispering about me in London than there currently is in Transylvania. I believe that this will be a wonderful opportunity. A new country, a new residence, and new people! Hopefully, a new houseguest as well!  
  
I asked Mr. Harker to write to our mutual friend, Mr. Hawkins, and also to anyone else who would be worried about him. I… insisted that he stay for a month. He did not seem very pleased about my request, but he consented nonetheless and I gave him three papers to write upon. I bid him to speak of nothing but business. I detected something much like fear in his eyes and my inner nature could not help but smirk at this. As he wrote two of his letters, I wrote four notes of my own. I needed to set my affairs in order if I was ever to live in London without constant worry!  
  
As I retired for the evening, having much to do after spending so much time with Mr. Harker, I noticed that he seemed distracted. I did not want him to do anything stupid so I decided to reiterate my earlier warnings about not wandering about in the middle of the night. I tried to remove any trace of uncertainty from my counsel. He would not fare well if he fell asleep anywhere but his room.  
  
I bid him farewell until to-morrow night and set about my business. I did not want Mr. Harker to see me leaving the castle so I chose a more private exit. I left the window of my room, climbing down the wall as I had for most of my new life. I enjoyed the thrilling nature of descending the old, stone structure with nothing but my own strength to keep me from plummeting down the cliff face. I needed to deliver mine and Mr. Harker’s letters as well as acquire sustenance to assuage my thirst. I find myself forgetting to leave Mr. Harker as I am so enthralled with him that I never desire to leave his side during the night time. This has made my other house guests rather upset with me. It is all I can do to prevent them from tearing Jonathan apart…  
  
But they will do as I say as long as I bring them what they desire most. After dropping off the post and having something to drink, I opened up my senses to the surrounding area, listening for that distinctive sound. Ah, finally I heard it: a slight distance away from the other houses, a child crying for his mother. She was sleeping in another room and had not yet been roused by his tiny sobs. Before she could comfort him, I slipped in and took him from his bed. His mother would be broken by this loss. I did not care.  
I returned to the castle, entered the same way I had left, dropped off the child, and retired.  
  
-D  
   
  
\-----   
May 16th 1893  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
What have I done to deserve such horrid guests?! I give them everything! All of them, I do whatever they need! Whatever they ask of me, I will do it! But no, they must disobey my orders and try to take from me what is MINE. Did they think I would not notice? That I would not care? They were sorely mistaken and I will not allow it to happen again.  
  
As I returned to-night from my nocturnal gatherings, I found a gathering of characters I had never wished to meet. Jonathan had, against my direct warnings, had fallen asleep outside of his chambers. Somehow he had opened a door I believed was locked. This, while bothersome and unwanted, was not altogether an uncontrollable problem. What truly enraged me was who he was with: the sisters. How dare they, how DARE they! It took all of my self-restraint not to tear their heads off of their bodies, to drain their blood, to throw them from the castle! I was consumed with fury as I tore them away from Jonathan.  
  
I told them with absolutely clarity that Jonathan was mine. He belonged to me. I had brought him to my doors and it was I who would decide when it was time to kiss him. They screamed at me that I could never love, that I never loved them. Well I can love, I do love. I loved them once, but it is hard to love someone who consistently views you with disdain, as the sisters do. Jonathan does not. He looks at me with… interest. Sometimes he seems unsettled, but it is because he does not yet understand me. He soon will, and for better or worse, he will know the truth.  
  
I was still enraged as I sent the sisters away, taking the child as they went. Poor Jonathan, Mr. Harker, he was half-awake but on the verge of unconsciousness. He will be confused to-morrow, and most likely frightened. I returned him to his room, holding his warm body to my chest and feeling his shallow breathing against my skin. How fragile he is. I only hope his mind will convince him that the whole ordeal was but a dream. I removed his clothes and folded them in a hope to convince him that nothing unusual had happened. I saw a strange book in his possession but was in too foul a mood to read it.  
  
I returned to the room and made sure it was permanently closed. I released my entire reserve of wrath upon that door, slamming it closed with every fiber of my being that wished to destroy the sisters. The framework cracked and splintered. It was enough, for now.  
  
-D   
  
  
\-----   
19th May 1893  
  
Dear Diary,   
I do believe that Mr. Harker has not completely forgotten the adventures of that night. He is skittish and on edge. I may have to take him to London by force, which is not how I wished out relationship to evolve. I had hoped Mr. Harker would desire to reject his old life and come live with me but I do not think this will be possible. I asked him to write three letters of different dates, letting his relations back home that he would soon be leaving Transylvania. His heart was pounding so fiercely that I could hear it from where I stood. It was unsettling… but also alluring. He inquired the dates and I decided upon the 12th, 19th, and 29th of June. I will take the letters as the time arrives. I only hope Jonathan can forgive me for this duplicity.  
  
-D  
   
  
\-----   
28th May 1893  
  
Dear Diary,   
He has betrayed me. Does my friendship mean nothing to him? He wants to leave me. He wants to reject every kindness I have done him and return to Mina. I do not understand! He gave a disgusting letter to the Szgany for his Mina. His wonderful Mina. Written in some sort of code which he believes will disguise the true meaning from me. I do not need to read it to know what it contains. His desire to abandon me and fall into her waiting arms! Well if Jonathan does not want to stay with me, I suppose I will just have to make him. I hope he does not do anything else that will test my temper. I am on edge enough without my Jonathan rejecting me…  
  
As I left, I locked Mr. Harker in his room. I could not afford for him to wander anywhere in the castle. When I returned later to talk with him, I found him asleep on the couch. I suddenly lost all desire to converse and thus bid him a good night’s sleep.  
  
I returned when I knew he was asleep, I once again entered his chambers. I had thought about it and realized that I could not allow him any more paper. I took it all, save for his journal. Since I had many matters to attend to, which would be suspicious if undisguised, I also acquired his clothing. A nice suit and a traveling cloak would work perfectly for what I needed to do.  
  
-D  
   
  
\-----   
24th June 1893  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I have been avoiding Mr. Harker. I become filled with anger at the sight of his terrified eyes staring back at me with such dread. He believes he is dead, but he is not. I believed I could forgive him for his deception. I continued with my plan of donning his clothes and delivering his letters to town. I thought I could forgive him, yet I cannot. As the days go by, I only become more consumed with the same rage I felt as he attempted to destroy our relationship. We were going to be happy together in my London home. He could be in a land he knew and teach me how to go unnoticed. We were going to be so happy… but he ruined it all. Mina ruined it all.  
  
Why did he have to love her? Mina. Mina, Mina, Mina. Perhaps if she is gone he will come back to me? I know now what I must do to win him over. I will let him go in town, his mind will be rattled enough that it will take him some time to return to England, and I will go on ahead to carry out my plan. I will destroy Mina. I will remove every connection Jonathan has to the outside world and he will be forced to come back to me. He will have no one left in the world, just as I have no one since he betrayed me.  
  
I will prepare for my adventure over the next few weeks. I am sure I will not have much time to write once I am on my way. The only way to my new home is to travel by ship. I am not sure how well this will work. I will need sustenance to survive so I imagine that I will have to slaughter many of the crew on the way. Unfortunate but necessary.  
  
I will destroy Jonathan. I loved him and he will know what it is like to love me.  
  
-D


End file.
